November 30, 2008

Is this just ink on paper, or a longing from my soul? Is this a statement of truth, or a cry for help? Can one really be completely happy and honestly miserable at the same time? I would compare this feeling to looking out at a starlit sky. Staring in wonder of the millions of stars out there, but at the same time knowing that all I’ll ever know is the feeling of being here, held down by gravity.” – me 

I was looking through some of my old stuff tonight, and even though I already blogged during this sleepless night, i decided to blog again. I think my inspiration comes in bursts, and because i’m rarely truly insprired, i must get it all out when it comes to me. I read what i wrote that day, and it completely describes everything i’m feeling right now.. what’s strange is that i dont even remember writing it.


November 30, 2008

i realized that i am such a negative person when i am far away from God. you can see it in the way i act, talk, even walk. i can wear a mask with the best of them tho and tell you everything is a-ok. and i hate it. i hate it because i dont deserve it. i dont deserve this love.. this grace. He is the only thing that moves me lately. He is the only thing i can hold on to. 

on a lighter note, i just started reading the third twilight book. okokok before you think i’m crazy, they are actually a good read. so far i have really enjoyed the story line and the way that that stephanie meyer writes. i realized that theres not that many things better than reading a good book, wrapped up in a blanket on a cold day. now if i just had a cup of coffee in my hands, i think i would be absolutely content in life. 🙂


November 28, 2008

i remember exactly where i was at this moment last year. i will save you the details, but basically i was up to no good. i am not proud of the things i have done, the people i have hurt, and the constant disappointment i am to my savior and king. but through all the mistakes i have made in my past, i have grown to become what i am today. i am not saying that today i am perfect, because by no means am i anywhere near perfect. i am a sinner and i am only alive by my Lord’s saving grace. 

time. i think time can be good or bad. they say “time heals all wounds.” and i guess to a degree, i agree with that statement. but i can give something all the time in the world, and until i give it to God, then there is still something inside of me that’s not resolved. my wounds were deep, and at times i didnt think i would make it through the pain, but i have survived. i have come out on top, and im ready to stand tall.

now i just have to figure out this crazy mess that is my life.. i feel like i have a broken leg, im wearing shoe spikes, and im walking on thin ice. i think that pretty much describes how i feel right now. 

can something just go the way i plan for once in my life?


November 26, 2008

why does it seem like with joy there always comes sorrow? with every happy moment there is a sad one right there to compliment it. It’s kinda like you cant have the good without the bad. well im SICK of the bad!! the only solution i have ever come close to grasping in this situation is: indifference. like for example.. say you like this girl, and you start dating but then she completely breaks your heart. well, this would have never happened if you would have been indifferent about the whole situation to begin with. i guess what i’m sort of getting at is that i think i would rather be emotionally numb to any sort of feelings whatsoever than go through the pain and suffering that goes along with pouring your heart into something, only to get nothing in return. 

i’m in a very critical time in my life right now. and i decided to pour my heart into it.. i have worked harder at this than anything i’ve ever done. i really really really want this to follow through, because if it doesnt.. then i’m afraid i might have lost hope. this might be the final blow that brings me to my knees. but at the same time, if it does follow through, this could be my saving grace. so, yes, i would say this is a very critical time in my life right now.

maybe not for always, but would it be too much to ask to be numb right now?


November 11, 2008

What is it about love? Its one of those things I will never be able to understand or explain.

I look at this picture and I cant help but see some starving part of me inside of it.. And basically, what I think it comes down to is that everyone wants.. no.. everyone needs to be loved.  I will admit that lately I have been a little bit cynical, or even negative about love. But the fact doesn’t change that I crave it. 

I have been somewhat successful in my recent attempts to be content, and for that I give myself a pat on the back. But no matter what, you can’t look at that picture and say “oh, that’s not for me..” 

and what is it about the rain that makes that moment all the more intimate? there was a saying I heard one time.. I think it said, “Many things in this life can wash away pain.. but none of them compare, to a kiss in the rain.”